Many couples wait until the damage is massive before deciding to work on their marriage relationship. After the spirit of oneness and tenderness is destroyed, they wonder if they can ever get that back, wondering if they can return to earlier days in their relationship. Even while longing for the earlier days of the relationship, they delay doing anything to improve the relationship until the pain increases to a level they can no longer tolerate. There are many reasons and excuses for delaying. At this point, it is more important to take action, rather than look for explanations or make excuses.
The time to take action is when there is distance in the relationship, not when the pain becomes unbearable. The choice of using pain as their barometer of action rather than the emotional distance in their relationship is a fatal one. It is important in responding to the issues to act when your spouse pulls away rather than after people take action like an affair to make that distance permanent.
Typically when people ask “Is there any hope?”, they have waited until the pain is intense and unbearable. They are wanting a magic cure that will ‘zap’ their marriage back to the earlier days. Deciding to wait until the pain became unbearable is part of the problem that got them to where they are at. Rather than asking such questions, you need to be at work correcting how they relate to their spouse. Start with changing you and your behavior towards your spouse.
Rather than ask the question-TAKE ACTION! Do something to improve your marriage now!
Tips on Rebuilding Trust within the Marriage
You felt that your life has suddenly become like a movie-complete with the drama and the emotional difficulties accompanying the aftermath of an affair. It seems like an unreal nightmare. When the dust settles, and the two of you decide the marriage is worth saving, steps will need to be taken to rebuild the relationship. Besides committing to doing your best to preserve it, what can you do to make the love between you grow again?
Here are some tips that you can follow in rebuilding trust, and ultimately, rebuilding your marriage.
Resolve to let go of the past.
You have gone through the pains of digging through the events of the affair. Quit making museum trips and resolve to live in the present. Rather, both of you needs to work things out to make things better. If you keep on bringing up the past, you will end up discouraging the efforts of your spouse to work out your marriage and make things better.
Have fun with each other.
Many times the couple has forgotten how to have fun. When two people do not enjoy each other’s company, it makes it difficult to work together, much less trust each other.
Do some new things with each other.
Many times, there is a special openness in relationships when couples do things for the first time. When both of you do something that neither one of you has done before, then neither one has the edge. With it being a new experience, that neither of you has done before, it creates a ‘primacy experience’. Such first time experiences tend to stick with us.
Spend spiritual time with each other.
In the aftermath of an affair, each of you needs healing. The relationship needs healing. When there is a spiritual oneness, then emotional oneness is easier to accomplish. Try to find common spiritual ground. Pray together, go to a religious site together, read spiritual material together. These things can serve to unite the two of you on a level that was not there before. You need a common goal, and such actions can provide it.
Value each other’s secrets.
Even when you are mad, do not share the secrets your spouse has shared with you. When they realize that you may be upset with them, yet you value their confidences, it provides a place to start rebuilding trust.
Spend time with each other.
It is hard to rebuild trust if you do not spend time with each other. Couples need to spend time talking and just being with each other. Often, they isolate themselves from the very people that they need in their lives.
Make room for your spouse.
During the rebuilding, there is often some uncertainty concerning where the relationship stands. It will be important to make your message clear and unambiguous. In the event you want them back, make room for them. Make space in your schedule for them and make space in the home for them as well. No one wants to feel useless or unwanted.
Forgive and Forget.
It is never easy to ask for forgiveness. The guilt and shame can easily blow you away. Pride can also get in the way. If asking forgiveness is difficult, how much more is the act of forgiving? Yet, forgiveness is important if both of you want to rebuild your marriage.
These tips are simple enough yet will require commitment from both of you. It takes two to tango, after all; and marriage is a difficult tango to dance. If you have ever danced the tango, you also know that the longer your practice it with your partner, the better you get at it.
